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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.